Late Night Jokes

The Best of Late Night…

“Prince Charles says he wants to ban McDonald’s. He said banning McDonald’s is the key to living a healthy lifestyle. Really? Why did he single out McDonald’s? I think banning Dominos would make more sense. They deliver the junk food to your house. At least with McDonalds you have to get off your fat ass and walk to your car. Prince Charles says he wants to ban McDonald’s to teach people that excess is bad. Who better to teach people that excess is bad than a guy who lives in a giant castle?”
-Jay Leno

“”You know the guy who directed the ‘Titanic’ movie, James Cameron, the film director? Well, listen to this: he now claims that he’s found the tomb of Jesus Christ. Hmm, I just hope this doesn’t lead to a court battle in Florida, that’s all.”
-David Letterman

“The Neilsen ratings for this years Oscars were up, compared to last year’s, especially among 18- to 34-year-olds. Keep in mind that statistic is misleading because viewers who were 18 at the beginning of the show, were over 50 when it ended.”
-Conan O’Brien

“The critics are already saying that the show was too long. And I say, “Hey — wait a minute. It’s not fair to judge the show until it is over.”
-Jay Leno

“The Academy Awards were held just across the street from us. I heard that Al Gore — and this is only a rumor — I heard he got a little crazy at the Vanity Fair party . . . I’m told he left the light on in the bathroom.”
-Jimmy Kimmel

“A new poll finds that President Bush’s father, George Bush, is the most popular living ex-President. Apparently voters were just excited to hear the words ‘George Bush’ next to the phrase ‘ex-President.'”
-Conan O’Brien

“Some politicians in Florida are trying to ban the use of the term ‘illegal alien’ because they think it is offensive. The Florida officials say, ‘We prefer the term good swimmer.'”
-Conan O’Brien

“”According to a report by this genealogist, Al Sharpton’s ancestors were slaves once owned by Strom Thurmond’s relatives. Now Al Sharpton wants a DNA test to see if they are related. And you know, somehow, this is going to end up that Strom Thurmond is the the father of Anna Nicole’s baby.”
-Jay Leno

“Since former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack dropped out of the presidential race four days ago, Vilsack supporters are divided about which candidate to support now. Apparently, one guy likes Obama and the other guy’s backing Hillary.”
-Conan O’Brien

“If any of you at home are wondering about the former vice president’s seeming largess, I will have you know, he has not gained weight. He is so passionate about saving this Earth, he is trying not to exhale. … Here’s an inconvenient truth: cake isn’t a food group.”
-Jon Stewart

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