Here is one known one:
* What’s the difference between highway construction workers and tournament chess players? Chess players move once in a while!
Do you know more? Feel free to post! Just keep it clean please 🙂
Here is the link to the jokes from the last time I had this topic. Enjoy!
Chess Daily News from Susan Polgar
how many chess players does it take to change a light bulb? none. chess players complain in the dark.
californian
After the game, a chess player said “I played really well”. After turning on Fritz….
No, I can’t get it to be funny. Sorry. Seems like chess is not funny at all.
What’s the difference between a chessplayer and a mouse?
what?
I’ve heard this a long time ago and pardon my ignorance if I’m in error as to who the actual GM was but here is how it goes:
Alekhine (let’s say) had to change trains in Murmansk and due to the railroad schedule intricacies had to spend the hours between 10pm and 3am at the station. The station manager being an avid chess player and not knowing who Alekhine was invited him to play a game or two to kill the night time shift. Alekhine accepted. The station manager suggested that he plays without a rook because otherwise there will be no thrill for him because he’s quite good. Alekhine accepted and lost two games in a row then he said: Well you won because you have one less piece to worry about. Let me play without a rook and you’ll see. The manager laughed and accepted. …and of course bitterly lost.
My favorite chess joke of all time is probably familliar to many. For those out there who have not seen it, I’ll repeat it here.
A young couple came upon an old Russian man playing chess in central park… with his dog. They were astounded, and pelted him with questions and exclaimed “Your dog is incredible!”
The old man looked curiously at the couple, shrugged and said, “He not so incredible… I beat him three games to one.”
Brad Hoehne
A pawn’s life:
John is seen in front of an old chessboard puzzled as to why one of his pawns is missing. He had it the day before, and it was doubtful he misplaced it, since he had a habbit of putting the pieces away immediately. Just then he got a phone call…
Pawn: “Sorry John theres something you have to know…”
John: “What, Who is this?!”
Pawn: “Its your pawn… Look I married Fritz.”
*John pinches himself then carries on*
John: “Why pawn?”
Pawn: “Since I was a little pawn, learning the moves, I have always dreamed of promoting to a rook, but no player has ever handled me like that. Fritz lets me promote to a rook when I want to.”
John: “But we had so much fun together.”
Pawn: “Look John, any relationship relies on some give and take. You were always taking… taking on d6, c3, a7, but you never gave anything John. Well you gave me some nudge’s every now and again, but it was never enough.”
John: “I dont know what to say, you know I always valued you.”
Pawn: “Oh right, I remember that every time you moved one of your beloved bishops, do you realize how many forks you missed with me… here let me put Fritz on for a second”
Fritz: “John vs Tim Move 22: Bd3… better is b5 forking Black’s Knight and Bishop .. 8 Ply”
Pawn: “How many plys did you use John?”
John: “Well I err..”
Pawn: “I remember way back when I was with Rubinstein. He knew how to handle me right. Always 6-10 ply in the end game, man I miss those days, a bit more creative then Fritz too.”
John: “Well look pawn, I promise to do better and study more, I’ll buy Fritz for you.. please.”
Pawn: “John I’m sorry.. everytime I’m on the board with you I see you overlooking my moves, I’m off to a better place, send my regrets to the rook twins.”
and John never saw his pawn again, and its replacements never did look quite right ..
———————-
(I apologize in advance to anyone whose sensitive on this issue, and the reply is meant to be ridiculous)
How many bathroom breaks did Kramnik take in Elista?
As many as there were disguised KGB agents in the room feeding him info.
———————-
Quotes if the speakers played chess:
Ceasar: “I came, I saw, I checkmated.”
Lincoln: “Four score and two champions ago”
Kermit: “It ain’t easy bein’ 500.”
Kennedy: “Don’t ask what the USCF can do for you, ask what you can do for the USCF.”
Thats all I can think of at the moment.
– G. Hankinson
Great stuff!
Thanks 🙂
Susan Polgar
http://www.PolgarChess.com
This was a jealous king, but such a jealous king, that he would never castle in order to remain close to the queen 😛
Now one about Steinitz…
Once upon the XIX century, Steinitz had to spend a night in one European city in his way to London for a tournament. After checking in and a quick chat with the inn manager, he know from the manager that he was an avid chess fan and regarded his strength very highly. Not knowing who his guest was, the manager challenged Steinitz for a game which, of course, lost easily. After several games and as many victories, Steinitz gave him queen odds and… still won.
Seeing this, and after a second look to his distinguished guest’s last name, the manager said, “oh! now I see… then you are Steinitz, the great world champion!” to which Steinitz wittily replied “No, I am not THAT Steinitz. I wish I were! Every time I play World Champion Steinitz, he gives me queen odds and I always lose. I am not that Steinitz. I wish I were”.
This left the manager thinking for the whole night. He couldn’t help keep wondering how many queens “THAT” Steinitz should need to give him in odds in order to win 🙂
Cheers!
Useful chess definitions:
OPENING – Period of the game where you don’t remember what to do.
MIDDLEGAME – Period of the game where you don’t know what to do.
ENDING – Period of the game where you never knew what to do in the first place